2020 Year in Review: “Well Shit, What Are Y’all Doing? (UNCENSORED)

1. Conversations with the Blue and Gold Girls

*Discussing my celibacy journey*

Me: “Even if I get in a relationship and we start getting close, I’m going to have to look at the penis and think, ‘Is this penis worth my soul?’ The answer will always be no.”

Michele: “Maybe, you shouldn’t look at the penis.”

*Job Application Story*

Kelly: “So I go to apply for this job and bring all that fuckin’ paperwork in. Resume…transcripts … and then they’re like you have to bring your dependent entry form approval. What? I’m on his fuckin’ orders, why do I have to bring a dependent entry form if I’m on his fuckin’ orders? That should tell you that I should be here. So now I have to get that….Then they’re like, we can’t process your application either because we need your high school diploma. What? Bitch, I just showed you two sets of transcripts. I gave you Winthrop’s transcript and I gave you Tennessee Tech’s transcript. I can’t go to college without a high school diploma. You don’t think them bitches checked? What the fuck are we doing right now? What are we doing? Because if I didn’t go to college, I could understand you asking for the high school diploma to validate I graduated high school to know what to pay me. But two fuckin’ degrees and you need to see my high school diploma? What the fuck are we doing right now? Wasting my fuckin’ time. I’m ‘bout to kick people in their fuckin’ throat. It’s too cold for this.

*Diversity Overseas*

Ashley: Yes, I am aware that Asian people have melanin, but I want to see the melanin. I want to see the melanation. I want to see the brown. So that’s what I meant. I wasn’t trying to be politically correct. I want to see the diversity. I want to see black people. I want to see black people with melanated skin. Not non-black melanated skin.

*Breaking Toilets*

Jessica: So I’ve been having a smoothie every morning since I’ve started this fast…irregularity is not an issue, but I had to go sooo bad. I just knew I wasn’t going to make it to any other bathroom so I went to the bathroom on my hall. And when I tell y’all, I destroyed the bathroom, I mean, I destroyed that toilet. So much so, I’m waiting on maintenance right now. And the sad part of it is, maintenance is an all-male crew. The toilet is not flushing. When I got out, it was, at the rim. It was not a pretty sight. I just walked out and locked the door. Nobody needs to see that, nobody needs to be subject to that.

- That time when Kyvia sent Jomo to get a gift card for bereavement and he returned with a gift card for a birthday.

*Discussing Lizzo Wearing Her Ass Out at a Basketball Game*

Me: Did the dress have like a built in panty? Like I don’t understand how girls walk around without any underwear on? Maybe, I don’t have the magic touch. Like how do you hold discharge in?

2. Nail Salon Laughs

Me: “Is that a snowflake? I said a star.”

Loang: “I’m sorry. I didn’t understand English today.”

*Discussing having to teach her youngest daughter due to remote learning*

Loang: “It took 2 hours for her to figure it out. I have to pray harder. I can’t be mother and teacher.”

3. Church Laughs

*Leaving Church Early*

Sis. Sandy: “I have to leave early today. I’m going to get my hair done.”

Me: “You’re leaving church early to get your hair done?”

Sis. Sandy: “It’s the only time she was available.”

Me: “Oh, are you going to my person [Kabarah]?”

Sis. Sandy: “No, I’m going to our person.”

*Discussing free will in heaven*

Kendra: “Like, what if I don’t feel like singing today?”

Me: “You’re gonna want to sing.”

*Giving Online*

After her surgery, Sis. Sandy was upset because she couldn’t remember how to pay her offering online.

Me: Go to sleep and I’ll come over tomorrow. I don’t want you getting all anxious and upset over this. The church’s lights aren’t going to go off just because we don’t have your offering.

*Sis. Sandy laughs*

Me: “Did that make you smile?”

Sis. Sandy: “Yes.”

Me: “Great, then I did my job. Now, go to bed.”

4. 2020 Around the World

-Super Bowl LIV with Jennifer Lopez and Shakira

-Covid-19

-Black Lives Matters protests

-Trump: “And I see the disinfectant knocks it out in a minute. And is there a way we can do something like that? By injection, inside or almost a cleaning…I would like you to speak to the medical doctors to see if you can apply light and heat to cure.

-The fly landing on Pence’s head

-Murder hornets

-Trump threatening to ban TikTok

-Tiger King

-Trump: Proud Boys, stand back, and stand by.

-Biden winning the Presidency and Kamala Harris becoming the first female Vice President

-Leslie Jordan’s Instagram Videos

-Cardi B. and Meg Thee Stallion’s WAP

-Prince Harry and Meghan Markle leaving the royal family

-Trump refusing to concede

-Michael B. Jordan crowned Sexiest Man Alive

-RHOP Reunion (Monique’s binder)

-Celebrities we Lost: Kobe Bryant, Gianna Bryant, and the other seven lives lost, Chadwick Boseman, Mary Higgins Clark, Sean Connery, Kirk Douglas, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Rocky Johnson,

John Lewis, Johnny Nash, Little Richard, Regis Philbin, Kelly Preston, Naya Rivera, Kenny Rogers, Alex Trebek, Bill Withers, Betty Wright, Natalie Desselle-Reid, Tiny Lister

5. Aunt Brenda Laughs

-Aunt Brenda: “He told me when you sin, you’re closing the door to heaven, and saying hell, here I come.”

-Me: “I hadn’t checked in for the week so I decided to call.”

Aunt Brenda: “I was just thinking to myself, I ain’t heard from the kids.”

Aunt Brenda - *Discussing a co-worker*: “She don’t like me because I told her about her rash. She got a 7 year itch.”

Aunt Brenda: “When people on Facebook are talking about how they’re sick, I don’t say it where people can see it, I send them a private message over Facebook and say, ‘This is LaBrenda. I love you. Please don’t come near me.’

Aunt Brenda: “If a man ain’t married you in 20 years, you 40 now, been dating a sorry man for 20 years, you got mo’ time backwards than forward.”

Aunt Brenda- “You got the three S’s, single, safe, and sane.”

6. CHRISTmas Photoshoot Laughs

*Practicing my first pose*

Me to Mick: I don’t think I should do this pose. I wasn’t blessed with Meg Thee Stallion knees. I should do a pose that I know I can hold.

*Shots with the Cookie*

I gained 22 lbs. during Covid. I lost almost 15 of it so I wouldn’t look like a complete Oompa Loompa during the shoot. That meant I had to give up a lot of sweets. After the photoshoot, I planned to have a much needed cheat meal. I also planned on eating the cookies I baked for the shoot.

*As I’m holding the cookie for the shot*

Mick: Ok, you can drop the cookie.

Me: “You want me to drop my cookie?” *thinks of all the cookies I didn’t eat just to prepare for the shoot* “This is like that episode of Black Ink Crew when Puma dropped his chicken wing on the floor. You don’t drop no cookie. This is a good cookie.”

Mick: *Laughing hysterically*

7. Misc. Laughs and Highlights

- TRUE STORY: So I'm headed to take my trash out, lock my door and notice that my doorknob is looser than normal. It's been sort of loose so I make a mental note to put a maintenance request in when I come back inside. After taking the trash to the dump, I come back to my apt, unlock the door, but the door won't open.😲 Oh, crap. I try to play around with it and it's obvious I'm about to take a L this Wednesday 😟 I ring my neighbors doorbell- no answer. I go to the leasing office (as they are supposed to be open until 6) - no answer. I'm trying to think fast as I just placed my dinner in the oven and realize I now have an emergency. So what do I ALWAYS do when I have an emergency? I call my Sigma Mama, Sharon Wallace to come rescue me. But guess what, I can't call her because my phone is in the freakin' APT!!!!!! So I jump in my car, drive a mile plus to her house, praying she's there. Of course, I'm showing up out the blue, looking a HOT MESS, ringing her freakin' door bell.

Thank goodness, she's there, let's me in and I'm trying to sum up my emergency all while requesting her phone and internet, lol. I call my apt complex, leave a msg. for maintenance, but that isn't enough for me. Sharon Wallace suggests I call the non-emergency line. I call them, they get the fire dept. on the way. So I hop in my car, drive back to my apt, to find the fire truck and firemen already there. *cues Lil' Wayne's Fireman* They start working on the door and within a minute, I'm back inside. *BREATHES SIGH OF RELIEF* They then try to repair the doorknob, but it's a struggle. They give it a temporary fix for the night until maintenance can repair in the morning. They also commended me for calling them, saying I knew just what to do in this situation.

Oh, and my dinner was just fine (recipe coming soon on IG: MissBlackFoodie) I tell you, this was too much for what was supposed to be a 5 minute trip outside. Point of the Story: Stay Indoors!

-Buying my first home

-TRUE STORY: So I was about halfway finished with my first lap at Cherry Park when I saw something jet across the trail. It was a few yards in front of me and a few feet in front of another walker. I figured it was a dog until I saw a deer a few seconds later. Oh no, that was too close for comfort 😩. My nerves couldn’t calm down after that. I didn’t even turn back on my music [insert Ludacris’ My Chick Bad]. I finished my lap and took my butt home. I’ll stick to walking in my neighborhood or on a track.

-Kabarah: *Discussing her dance routine at her friend’s birthday party* I spent weeks rehearsing. After it was over, I remembered my age. I had to go soak in Epsom salts. My knees got arthritis, my fingers got arthritis; the old girl is coming out.”

-Sis. Mary: “People in the street think we have money in here, we have bills in here.”

-Sis. Sandy: “I don’t like Beyoncé, she can’t sing.” *Looks at me* “Uh, oh, she’s about to hit me.”

Me: “I’m not going to hit you, I have more sense than that.”